Have we talked about the Cincinnati Bengals? I don't believe that we have had a chance to discuss the Cincinnati Bengals. So, let me tell you about the Cincinnati Bengals. It's a pretty good story.
So, once upon a time there was a man named Paul Brown, who didn't want to do anything but win football games. Unfortunately, he wasn't a very good player. But he was smart and determined, and by working hard and sticking to his goals, he became a coach. He coached high school football, then college football, and finally, when Cleveland decided to field a professional football team in 1946, they not only asked Paul Brown to be the coach, they even named the team after him. The Cleveland Browns. It's awesome ideas like that that have made Cleveland the cultural Mecca we think of it as today.
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He was angry. Some stuff happened.
And in 1967, like a Phoenix rising from the Middle-American ashes, Paul Brown announced his return to football as the owner, general manager, and head coach of a new team, the Cincinnati Bengals. So from the very beginning, the Bengals have cherished a spirit of condescension and spite towards their fellow NFL teams. Blah blah blah forty years something something Boomer Esiason which brings us to today.
For the last nine years, the Bengals have fielded (that's right, isn't it? fielded?) a wide receiver who came to the team as Chad Johnson. In 2006, Johnson asked to be allowed to wear a jersey reading “Ocho Cinco” instead of 85, in honor of Hispanic Heritage Month. When this was ruled outside uniform regulations and thus unacceptable, Johnson, in the true Bengals “fuck you” spirit, had his name legally changed to Ochocinco, had the changes made to his jersey, and was fined $5000 by the league. During the 2010 off season, he starred in a reality show entitled Ochocinco: the Ultimate Catch,
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A great deal of Chad's time on the show seems to be devoted to gauging the deceitfulness of the individual women, and believe you me, these women are full of deceit. On the very first episode, Chad invited his good friends Terrell Owens and Some Other Football Player to a ball (yes, a ball, like, the dancing kind), where the three of them assessed Ocho's prospective mates and then convened to rank them. And while all of this was going on, Terrell Owens asked one of the girls for her phone number. He told Ocho he was pretty sure he would have gotten it if there hadn't been cameras everywhere, because the girl kept saying, “I can't give you my phone number because there are cameras everywhere.”
You see? Deceit! Trickery! Drama! And now----
Terrell Owens is joining the Cincinnati Bengals!!
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So we'll see how this goes. What I'm really hoping for is some kind of crossover with the Kardashians.