One of the luxuries we are afforded, living in a first world country in the twenty-oneth century, is the leisure to care way too much about non-issues, and I for one would like to express my gratitude that I live in a nation where we are all free to take time away from making sure that our nation is fed and housed to worry hard about how strangers are dressing, and whether celebrities get rehabbed. It is in that spirit that this past week, our nation has come together to marvel over and pray about Tom Brady's hair.
Tom Brady's hair definitely looks stupid right now, everybody agrees. And searching on the internet you can find lots of pictures, plenty of mockery, and a quote from Brady himself in which he states, “You'll have to ask my wife [about the hairstyle].” But no one seems to be going to the root of the problem—why is Brady sporting the bowl cut? Faced with a dearth of information, I am here to speculate with you. Here are some possible reasons for the hair, that I came up with:
One: Popular wisdom tells us that the simplest answer is the most likely to be true, and there are millions of people who have reached the obvious conclusion that Brady is suffering from Bieber Fever. This would also explain the comment about his wife. Not many people know this, but Giselle Bundchen is a practicing Christian Scientist, and if Brady were to take antibiotics to cure his Bieber Fever, she would divorce him. Some are denouncing her as a hypocrite for this; there are unsubstantiated rumors that she herself used a topical cream two years ago to treat her Timberlake Shingles.
Two: Brady's forward-swept bangs totally conceal his forehead. Could this be because he has something to hide? Possibly. My favorite possibilities so far are the Mark of the Beast, or a lobotomy scar.Three: This may be just a transition phase. Hair takes a while to grow, you know. Maybe the mop top is just a coincidence, and what Brady is actually trying to do is grow his hair all the way out like Clay Matthews, to see if it will give him the same superhuman strength (for the record, the long hair will give him superhuman strength, but it won't be the same superhuman strength as Clay Matthews).
Four: It's a fake meltdown. You know, like Joaquin Phoenix had to make us all hate him, and then revealed that it was all a put on to make us hate him more. Like that. No big. Let's all laugh about it!
Five: It's a silent protest. Remember in Ender's Game, how he thinks he's playing a video game the whole time but at the very end of the book he finds out that all of the spaceships were (spoiler alert) a real army and he was sending real people out to completely destroy an alien race that hadn't ever shown any signs of aggression? That's how Tom Brady felt when he found out about the illegal taping. So he was like, “All right, Bill. I'll sign this new contract for $48.5 million dollars, but I won't cut my hair until you stop cheating.”
You know, the more I think about it, that's got to be it. I bet Bill Belichick is throwing away all his cameras right now, crushing them with golf clubs so he won't be tempted to use them anymore. So expect Tom Brady to get his hair cut any day. Also, expect the Patriots not to win anything this season.
Oh. Wait. Whoops. I just made this whole big deal about how I thought his hair looked great. But in this picture, it clearly looks horrid. I saw a photo where he'd just pulled his helmet off and his hair was going all over the place and I wanted to throw him down on the field and, you know, make a touchdown, if you know what I'm saying. Fuck. Disillusioned so fast.
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