Rookie Roundup!

English is a funny language. The rules of grammar and spelling are erratic and difficult to learn, and in many cases, what we think of as standard spellings now were just arbitrary choices selected from multiple spellings which would have been acceptable in the Middle Ages. For example, you would expect “one who is celebrated” to be a celebratee, just like “one who leases” is a lessee, and “one who is kidnapped” is a kidnappee. But instead, “one who is celebrated” is a celebrity. I am sure that the etymology of the word rookie is on the internet somewhere, too, but I'm going to go ahead and assume it means “one who is rooked.” Anyway, now that everybody's got a game under their belt, I thought we'd check back with some of the rookies who caught my eye a couple of months ago.


SAM BRADFORD – Bradford was the number one draft pick this year. He went to the Rams, who unless something very unexpected happens, seem to be putting him right in the starting quarterback position. Now, far be it from me to tell anybody how to run their football team. But let me just say that when I worked at Pottery Barn in 2005 and half of our managers suddenly quit at the same time (one got married, one moved back to Oregon and one got a role in a movie, since I know you were wondering), they hired this woman named Rita to run the store, and I think they made her the manager because she had sort of nice clothes and she was about fifteen years older than anybody else who worked there. And I don't know what she did before Pottery Barn, I think she was somebody's secretary or something but I know it wasn't retail and anyway, she didn't know how to put together a schedule and we all hated her and what I'm saying is, you shouldn't put somebody in charge if they have no experience because the Beverly Hills Pottery Barn crew of 2005 probably wouldn't have beaten the Vikings either if Rita was calling all the plays.

But seriously, Sam Bradford is supposed to be pretty good.


ED WANG – Dude, I was so excited about Ed Wang. The first Chinese player on the NFL. And then he went and injured his hand—in practice; it wasn't even a game—and he had to have surgery, so he's on the injured reserve list indefinitely. Some overachiever he turned out to be.



TIM TEBOW – Tim Tebow is the Justin Bieber of football. A million people seem to be going nuts over him, but I never seem to meet any of these people one on one. I know what he theoretically does, but I've never seen him do it and I don't know if he's actually good at it. And he gets a lot of publicity revolving around his hairstyle, which doesn't look good anyway no matter what he does.

Tebow, like Bradford, played for a losing team this weekend, but at least Bradford was a starter. Tebow came in as a backup and didn't play until the end of the third quarter, but on the other hand, he did actually score a touchdown, so that's something. He's probably already in negotiations to star in a reality show on the Disney Channel during the off-season.


VICTOR CRUZ – I had never heard of this guy before. He's so unknown that nfl.com doesn't even have a picture of him. But one of my husband's friends (who has repeatedly declined to read WtB, by the way) is spooging all over Twitter about him so I thought I'd hit my Google button. Here's the story: He went undrafted this season and then got hired as a wide receiver by the New York Giants, who let him practice with them because they had a little extra room and were polite but distant when asked about how he was progressing. Then when they played their first preseason game against the Jets, he caught three touchdown receptions.

Let me say that again slowly, for the non-sports-fans: on three separate occasions, the quarterback (Eli Manning, and then Jim Sorgi, after Manning cut his head open and needed 12 stitches (true story)) threw the ball and Victor Cruz caught it, and then proceeded to run all the way to the end of the field and score a touchdown. According to The Internet, the last time that happened was in 1998, and the person who did it was Terrell Owens, who is now on the Cincinnati Bengals with Chad Ochocinco, and now they both have reality shows on Vh1 and they beat Sam Bradford's ass this weekend.

And so now I know a guy in Massachusetts who roots for the New York Giants and wants to have Victor Cruz's baby. It's pretty gross.


Oh, and also? Still no word on whether Brett Favre is staying retired or not.