Legends of Learning

As a super nerd, I have read not only every one of Malcolm Gladwell's books and both of the Freakonomics compendiums, but also Christopher Booker's wonderful 742 page opus The Seven Basic Plots: Why We Tell Stories (I read that one during jury duty (and I don't care what anyone says, jury selection is the highest form of comedy and I wish I did get called in every year)).

I like reading these books because they give me insight into aspects of our modern world that I would otherwise never have thought of, like why Heinz really has the best ketchup, or how many people really heard Kitty Genovese being murdered and whether or not they cared. But whether you're writing about teachers cheating on behalf of their students or why Blue's Clues is actually more educational than Sesame Street, understanding our world in an any aspect in any era boils down to one fundamental fact: human beings learn through stories.

For example, if I asked you what was the name of Ross and Carol's baby on Friends, most of you would be like, “Who's Carol? Was she even a Friends character? I remember Ross dated that Chinese woman for a while, but they didn't have a baby, did they?”

But those of you who watched the show would remember the episode where the baby was born, and you'd remember that Ross keeps fighting with Carol's girlfriend Susan about who is more helpful, and Phoebe has to drag them into a supply closet and they get locked in and almost miss the birth completely, but luckily a janitor wants some supplies and he lets them out of the closet just in time, so they name the baby Ben, after the janitor. So there we see how much easier it is to remember a fact when it is part of a story.

To that end, I have found a few current NFL players who have interesting stories going on in their lives. Hopefully by taking an interest in these individuals, it will help us all to take a greater interest in the league as a whole. It's like watching Friday Night Lights except you have to watch the news and you never actually see them having sex.


BRETT FAVRE – Brett Favre was the quarterback for the Green Bay Packers for ever and ever and ever, but he turned 40 last year, which is prime if you're an opera singer, but it's downright geriatric for Olympic athletes and ballerinas, and long in the tooth for football players. Knowing this, Brett Favre retired from the Packers in 2007. They had a party and gave him a cake and everything. But then he sat around for a whole summer and got bored, and there wasn't anybody to play with, and he didn't feel that bad, so he decided to unretire. Only problem was, the Packers didn't want him back. So there was duh-rama. Brett Favre played for the Jets in 2008 and the Vikings in 2009. He might play for the Vikings again in 2010, but he hasn't decided yet. I personally think he should do a farewell tour every year, like Barbra Streisand, and then when some space opens up at the Venetian he can run a permanent show four nights a week in Vegas, like all the other legends.

DONOVAN MCNABB – Donovan McNabb is interesting (to me, at least), in the same way that Evan is interesting on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge: he's pretending to play for everybody's team right now. And by everybody's, I mean his own(the Philadelphia Eagles) and Brett Favre's. You see, an “unidentified source,” which we will refer to as “Deepnovan McThroat,” apparently told the Philly newspapers that McNabb wants to be traded to the Vikings and take over Favre's spot if Favre retires. Then McNabb (as McNabb this time), went to the coach of the Eagles and told him that wasn't true and he's totally happy staying with the Eagles and not getting a huge raise or playing with a better team. So that's going on.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER – So, the Trials of Young Roethlisberger currently qualifies as the NFL's version of Gossip Girl. After sorting through all of the very repetitive articles reporting this story over the last two or three weeks, here's the story as I understand it: Bugs Rutabaga and some buddies fell down a flight of stairs and landed in a thrilling metropolis called Milledgeville, Georgia. They went to a nightclub and Bean Wafflestomper had sex with a girl in the bathroom, and then later she said it was assault. Rufflesteamer's lawyers feel like they have a good case, because she didn't go to the police immediately. Her lawyers feel like they have a good case, because Rumplestiltskin was previously charged with sexual assault in Nevada. I'm not going to take sides or anything because I'm sure he's a complete douche bag, but I would like to point out that according to basically everyone, sexual assault is not recognized as a crime in Nevada.

CHAD OCHOCINCO – This guy's parents named him Chad Johnson, but he wanted everyone to remember who he was, so he changed his name to Ocho Cinco because he wears number 85. He used the Spanish translation for “eight five” because he made the trade during Hispanic Heritage Month (October, 2006). He constantly proves his stamina to his fans by making hours-long entries on a video blog (see previous link), and he is currently a contestant on Dancing with the Stars. In other words, this guy is possibly the awesomest human being alive.

This entry has run a little long and I apologize, but I feel like it was worth it. Hopefully, these man can do for us what Achilles did for Greece, Arthur did for England, and Gandhi did for India, by making complicated and possibly fictional events into just a story about a guy, so that we can remember it.