Round Two: Eastern DivisionS

I have a husband who is a guy and he knows things about sports, and last night he said to me “Um, just so you know...the AFC and the NFC are different, so there are two Western divisions.” He used the same tone of voice that a woman would use if she were telling you that you had menstrual blood soaking through your pants--very quiet and apologetic, but sort of spitefully mocking, too. My response was a little bit different though, because I felt none of the shame I guess he expected me to feel. When it comes to knowing the difference between the AFC and the NFC, I sort of know and I sort of care, but not very much of either. However, for the sake of this blog we'll assume it matters to me, so for the rest of my Every Team Rundown I will make the distinction.

And now, it's time to figure out which Eastern Division(s) team I like the best.

BUFFALO BILLS, AFC – I love the silliness of a city in New York naming their football team after a carnie who lived in Wyoming. According to Wikipedia, Buffalo Bill Cody did bring his Wild West Show to Madison Square Garden for a while in the 1880's, but if he ever made it to Buffalo, nobody cared enough to write it down. Also, how many people in Buffalo can tell you who Buffalo Bill Cody was? That's an honest question. I'm willing to believe that it's a lot. It probably isn't though.

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS, AFC – My husband is from Cape Cod, so he loves the Patriots like kidnapping victims love Stockholm. I appreciate the solidarity of five or six tiny states in the upper right hand corner of our country deciding to magnanimously share one football team, even though everybody north of Boston is just tapping maple trees and marrying people of their same gender, so they don't own televisions. I do think that naming your team the Patriots is sort of a passive-aggressive move, though. “Oh yeah, I'm a Patriots fan. That means I love my country. I mean, it's cool to like another team, if you don't like patriotism. Whatever you want, dude, I don't judge.”

MIAMI DOLPHINS, AFC – Florida doesn't have to be holier-than-thou the way that frigid, Puritan founded New England chooses to be; they remind the rest of the country that they have a better life than us by pretending that nothing exists in Florida except for tropical beaches. So their mascot is a dolphin, and their logo is the same dolphin frolicking in front of a cheery sun. Despite the fact that their image was designed by Lisa Frank, they are the only team that has ever gone an entire season undefeated, which is something I know because once I was accidentally listening while my husband was saying something, and that's what it was.

NEW YORK JETS, AFC – I can figure out the logic behind the mascot selection of the other AFC East teams, no matter how misguided, but the Jets have me stumped. The team was founded in 1960, were they named after JFK airport? That was around then, but it wasn't called JFK yet. Were they called after the white gang in West Side Story? Because that's weird and gay. They don't even have a jet in their logo. Believe it or not, their website doesn't have a “history” link (because who cares, right?), but according to Wikipedia, this team was originally named the Titans and they changed their name to the Jets to form a connection with the baseball team the Mets, which is like what happened out here in Los Angeles a few years ago when somebody bought out a lot of Vons supermarkets and replaced the Vs with Js to make turn all into crappy supermarkets named Jons. Everybody knows you're cheap when you can't even bother to change the whole name of your franchise.

DALLAS COWBOYS, NFC – The Dallas Cowboys have described themselves as God's team, which I think probably means that God doesn't really care all that much about football. But now things are getting kind of interesting and incestuous, because we have the Buffalo Bills of the Wild West Show competing against actual Cowboys, who populate the Wild West Reality, and looking at it from another angle, this is God's team in opposition to the Patriots, who love their country, which if you follow my train of logic one step further, implies that since God loves the Cowboys and not the Patriots, maybe He doesn't love America, which makes the Cowboys anti-American and honestly, probably terrorists.

NEW YORK GIANTS, NFC – Now I feel like they're not even trying anymore. Apparently, if a team is from New York, their identity has more to do with New York than whatever their mascot is, which would be fine if they didn't have five teams for each sport, thus dividing the New York community to no good purpose. Listen to me, New York: either tell me why I should like a Giant more than a Jet or a Met more than a Yankee, or else (and I think this is a better strategy for you) please combine all your sports teams into one team called the GiantMJetKees that will dominate the entire land in every known sport and forge true solidarity in your asshole city. Actually on second thought, please don't. By keeping your residents pitted constantly against one another, you make the rest of the world just a little bit safer.

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES, NFC – Cheese Steaks Rocky Liberty Bell Not Pittsburgh Kirk Cameron Michael Vick Sam the Eagle Donner Party Will Smith Brotherly Love Avatar Penn State Hershey Kisses Chupacabra.
We didn't start the fire.

WASHINGTON REDSKINS, NFC – Maybe naming a football team the Redskins is racist and maybe it's not, but when was the last time anybody saw a Native American in Washington, DC? It's not that I think anyone would mind, it's just that what with stealing all their land and driving them onto reservations and all a while back, a red-skinned person is not the sort of person I would expect to see in Washington DC and I don't think that anybody else does, either. Then again, I would be even more surprised to see a giant in New York City, so I think I'm the jerk here. I apologize to any Native Americans who might be reading this, and I want you to know that I love your fry bread.


THE WINNER


My choice here was really a foregone conclusion, because if you look at the dolphin on the Miami Dolphins' logo, you'll notice that it's wearing a football helmet. This football helmet is covering its blow hole, thus rendering the dolphin unable to breathe. This dolphin is so incredible at football that not only will he kick your team's ass even though he doesn't have any legs, he will not even breathe while doing it. I'd like to see a cowboy try to win a football game underwater.