Round Three: Southern Divisions

So, in the strictest sense, this is a sports blog, and because it is a sports blog, I ought to mention that the Olympics are happening right now. And now you know as much about it as I do.

Today, I make my selection out of the teams from the Southern Divisions. This was tougher for me than East or West, because there are a lot more teams on this list that nobody I know personally would ever consider rooting for. Still, I made a commitment and I intend to honor it, so here's my stupid take on the Southern Division of the NFL.

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS, AFC – Strangely enough, most of the things I actually know about football are related to Indiana. I had a teacher in college who made his students watch Rudy on a regular basis, so I know about Notre Dame (I could never figure out why a school whose mascot was a leprechaun would discourage a hobbit from playing on their team. Inter-species rivalry?), and despite my near-total ignorance of the NFL I couldn't not know about Peyton Manning, the Susan Lucci of football. This could be a great team for me to watch not win.


HOUSTON TEXANS, AFC – That's right, they're so scary they don't need a mascot. Just the regular old residents of their state will be able to take you down. As a matter of fact, sometimes they replace their regular players with adolescent Texan girls, just to give the other team a fair shot. I think the logo of this team might also be their state seal. Or a portrait of their governor.

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS, AFC – The excuse me? From where? Because I didn't think I'd ever even heard the name of this team before, I went to Wikipedia because that's what I do, and I learned all about their team mascot, Jaxson de Ville (his name is spelled Jaxson because Jacksonville is often shortened to Jax, duh). Direct quote: “Jaxson is known for his crazy antics. He is very interactive with the crowd and the Jaguars (if they're not too busy), and sometimes interacts with the opposing team's players as well. He often mocks and jokes with the other team's mascot, if they are present. These acts got him into trouble in 1998 and stemmed the changing of the NFL's mascot rules, and also caused him to calm down.” Jaxson once got so worked up in 2007 that he had to spend an entire game in a cage, but they did let him out periodically to ride his scooter. Jaxson is really a guy named Curtis Dvorak, who I'm sure is having no trouble paying off his student loans.

TENNESSEE TITANS, AFC – I went to Eleanor J Toll Middle School in Glendale, California, and I was even a cheerleader there, because at our school all the pretty girls who could dance joined the Drill Team. Our mascot was the Titan, so I know lots of really good cheers incorporating the word “Titans,” which I will never forget no matter how hard I try. However, I think it would have been more fun to be a fan of this team when they were still the Houston Oilers (apparently, “Texans” these days are trying to distance themselves from their working-class roots), and their logo had an oil derrick on it that was named Ol' Riggy. Yes sir, good times come and good times go, but Ol' Riggy will always be there, spewing crude oil until she rusts away into nothing but a depleted well of pollution.

ATLANTA FALCONS, NFC – Unlike Indianapolis, there are a lot of things to do in Atlanta, and unlike New Orleans, their football team is not especially good, which is probably why you don't seem to hear a lot about the Atlanta Falcons. Or I don't, at least, maybe you do; I'd ask people not to send letters about this if I thought anyone was reading. They do offer a pretty respectable front, though: decent choice of mascot, non-frightening home town, and pretty cool-looking logo, which means I'm having a hard time figuring out any jokes. But does there always have to be a joke? Is that what life is, just a series of jokes, in which nothing can truly be appreciated sincerely? I'd really like to think so, but apparently not.

CAROLINA PANTHERS – The Carolina Panthers joined the league as an expansion team at the same time as the Jacksonville Jaguars, and they basically have the exact same mascot except one has spots and one doesn't, so I immediately checked the Panthers' mascot page to see if they have anyone who can possibly out do Mr. Jaxson de Ville and was not surprised to find out that they do not. Sir Purr's Wikipedia page is meager and bleak in comparison, despite the fact that he has apparently been granted a knighthood, despite living in the United States and being an anthropomorphic cat. Also, in 2003 the Panthers were nicknamed, the “Cardiac Cats,” but I can't tell whether that's because they won a whole bunch of games within the last two minutes of playtime, or because approximately half of the people working for the team that year were diagnosed with terminal illnesses. It's probably safer not to ask.

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS – WOOOOOOOO!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! SUPER BOWL MOTHER FUCKERS IT'S MARDI GRAS!!!!!!!!!! SHOW US YOUR TITS!!! THIS YEAR EVERY WHORE IN THE CITY IS NAMED KATRINA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS – So, I think their mascot is a pirate but their logo is just a pirate flag, which doesn't make any sense but now I'm tired from Mardi Gras so I really don't care any more. I'm sort of partial to the Bucs as a person who tries to make things funny, because so far this team is far and away the number one team that looks like they'd have sex with another football team. They hardly ever win, they've got a super swishy image, and their Wikipedia page lists no less than FIVE team colors, one of which is “pewter.” As soon as you start using color names that can't be found in a eight pack of Crayolas, you're looking at sex with dudes. The last time I started making up facts, the Bucccaneers were trying to convince Lady Gaga to design new outfits for their cheerleaders.

THE WINNER

After all those mean jokes about the Buccaneers, I think I'm going to choose them after all. I went to acting school, so I'm comfortable around gays. And even though Jaxson de Ville and his scooter almost won me over, I have a pretty good impression that going to Jacksonville for any length of time would be way more unpleasant and scary than even hanging out with Raiders fans, so I'd like to minimize the risk of anyone thinking I ever ought to go there. So I'm throwing my rose to the Pewter Pirates (which is a name they sometimes go by, says Wikipedia). Maybe they'll add a couple more colors to the flag on their helmets and just go with a rainbow.