This Week in Football: News Post

People often ask me about my process. By “often,” I mean “never,” because this blog attracts a phenomenal lack of interest, but I don't mind. I needed an opener.

So, going on the made-up premise that someone is interested in my “process,” it turns out that quite often I haven't really got anything to write about, especially since it's still the off-season. So when I feel like I really need to write a blog entry for the sake of personal betterment and hoping to finish something I've started, what I do is I go on espn.com and nfl.com and look at their news articles and see if any of them might be turned into comedy appropriate for Writing the Bench.

Sometimes I have to dig a little, but today I feel like I've hit a gold mine. So here for you, to save you the trouble of sifting through the internet yourself, a rundown of what's going on in football today:

BRYANT'S MOTHER NOT A HO – I thought about writing a whole “Better Know a Player” entry about Dez Bryant, but besides getting drafted pretty early on this year because he's really really good at football, the only interesting thing he's ever done is imply that his mother was a prostitute, and then get angry when somebody asked if his mother was a prostitute. Apologies were diplomatically extended to Bryant, but not his mother herself, who is still waiting. A little fact checking revealed to the world their major error: Mrs. Bryant was not a prostitute, she was a crack dealer.

PILL THEFT IN NEW ORLEANS – New Orleans Saints Security Director Geoffrey “Not to be Confused With 'the Great'” Santini has resigned his position and accused senior staff members of stealing and abusing a large quantity of Vicodin pills from the teams' headquarters. “Listen, I don't know why everyone keeps thinking I'm taking Vicodin from the team medical supplies just because I always complain about having a bad back and I think pharmacies are a rip-off. I would never, ever ask defense coach George Vitt to steal pills for me, and anyone who says I would has obviously never had sciatica, because that shit hurts and I would never hold anyone responsible for their actions when they were dealing with that amount of pain,” said Saints coach Sean Payton, who was not named in the initial newspaper articles.

NEW CONTENDER FOR SILLIEST NAME – All I heard all during the draft was about a dude named Golden Tate, followed by a lot of giggling. But nobody ever even mentioned to me that there was an NFL hopeful this year named Scott Sicko! Granted, I probably never heard about him because he ended up not actually getting drafted. And as silly names go, “Sicko” is a little bit on the nose. But even though he didn't get drafted, he was eventually offered a spot on the Dallas Cowboys, which he took, and that means he's going to get to hang out with Dez Bryant for at least a few weeks. Sicko has also been heard to say that he is excited to play off the field this season as Ben Roethlisberger's wing man, as he feels he possesses the perfect qualifications for that difficult and extremely specialized position.