Ocho Cinco Ultimatum

One of the sweetest slash strangest compliments I have ever received was given to me by a ninth-grade girl when I myself was about twenty-three. She said, and I quote, “I love the way you talk because you always sound like somebody out of Shakespeare or something.” As delighted as I was to be told such a thing, I realize that it is far from true. And it's not that I don't ever speak in iambic pentameter (because I frequently do), but because I only have one bed and it's not that good.

But I still choose to boast about this years-old compliment now, because I think it helps to illustrate the impression I give to people who know me only slightly, even today. I use lots of big words. I listen to public radio. I read books—in public. Any or all of those things might be presented as a reason for why people are surprised to find out that I also enjoy watching reality television.

Now, I'm not an indiscriminate viewer; I won't watch just any unscripted television show. Most of them, I don't know if you know, are basically crap. BUT NOT ALL.

Allow me to present to you: Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch.

To be fair, this show does violate my number two rule of reality series that I will watch, as normally I boycott television shows that offer people as prizes. It is not right to treat human beings as objects that can just be handed out willy-nilly to the skankiest rose holder. I care strongly about this issue and I had to do a lot of soul-searching before we set our DVR to record The Ultimate Catch, but since I have made a decision to watch the show, I want to allay the doubts of any of you out there with similar misgivings:

Nobody who has ever, ever won a romantically themed reality show is still with the person they competed against multiple other empty-souled fame whores to win. Not the winner of Rock of Love, not the winner of Flava of Love, not the winner of A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, or the winner of I Love New York, or I Want to be Friends with Paris Hilton for Some Godawful Reason, or Sure, I'll Have Sex With Somebody Who Lost On a Different Show. None of them.

So I'm sure that as soon as they finished taping Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch, he went right back to the open arms of his waiting girlfriend.

Five days after writing this, I realize that I have nothing to add just yet. I'm watching the first real competition episode right now (last one was the pilot), so expect more on this tomorrow.

Kiss the baby, as Ochocinco would say!